I swear that in a few days I’m going to make something healthy for you but today? Chicken ‘n’ waffles, my fwiendz.
A few weeks ago, one of you lovely people told me that I make “happy food” and that seriously about made my day. I’m pretty positive that chicken ‘n’ waffles easily falls into that category.
I feel like happy food can be super powerful. It has the ability to make an already awesome, lazy Saturday morning even more lazy and fun; it can make a sucky Tuesday night, post-work, a little less sucky; and it can make a drunken 3am eating session into something nourishing.
Happy food is fun. I feel like we should collectively promise ourselves we’re going to eat lots of “fun food” before bathing suit season. Let’s eat waffles today and a salad tomorrow.
The thing I’m afraid of more than my usuals: failure, not having kids “on time,” my life not working out in general, is a scary murderer. I go through great lengths to avoid murderers.
I post Instagram photos of places I’m at only after I leave. I know all of you are super lovely BUT what about that one psycho, nut-job that wants to grind me up and put me in a hamburger, huh? That guy is scary. I don’t want him finding me at my favorite neighborhood coffee shop.
I also have a nightly ritual of checking every window (I live on the 2nd floor) and door in my apartment to make no one can get in. And, though, I kind of hate light in my face as I sleep, I’m always sure to have a few lights on throughout my apartment. I figure the scary murderer will think I’m up reading rather than sleeping and he’ll stay away.
You have to get in the head of a murderer, you know?! Some may think (read: my dad) that these kind of precautions are ridiculous, and maybe they are. They’re probably just a sign of my current single status and a result of living alone, which I actually enjoy, but WHATEVER MURDERERS ARE SCARY!
Confession: sometimes I’m a brat. This is totally true. Sometimes I’m sleepy, my eyelids are heavy and I just want my way, like, right now.
Currently, if I could get my way in all things life, this is how it’d go:
1. More hours in the day for me to work and say hi to friends.
2. I’d be able to drink copious amount of gin without having an awful hangover face. I can’t swing it–not a youngin’ anymore, guys. Depressing.
3. I’d drink coffee at 9pm and still be in bed by midnight. I’m totally not sensitive to caffeine at 8am, but it ruins me after 6pm. Truly unfair.
4. At Chipotle I’d be able to assemble my very own burrito. They’re very nice people at Chipotle but I just wanna do it myself.
When I’m sensing my brattiness is taking over my usual good and positive nature, I gotta put myself in check. ‘Cause seriously look at what I made! Look at what I have had in my life! Crispy hash browns! With cheese! All topped with a runny egg. Such a good look!
Food exists for every occasion. Birthday cakes for birthdays (obvi). Casseroles for cold nights. Chicken soup to rid a cold. Bacon wrapped jalapeños for pot lucks. Cookies for the holidays. Salads for getting cute and healthy…and then…and then there’s heartbreak food.
You know…food for when your heart actually hurts. And you need something to hug you and tell you it’s gonna be okay. And tell you that it’s actually for the best. And that despite life being hard, good things are on their way. Because they are.
So yeah…there’s food for this occasion, too.
Chocolate pudding is pretty popular for this type of situation, as is a pint of ice cream while calling home to mom. Or the first row in a package of oreos. And maybe the second.
But I…I personally recommend pancakes. These specifically.
There’s carbs (requirement!), chocolate (double-requirement!), pumpkin (it’s fall), all while swimming in a pool of warm maple syrup (triple-requirement!).
This week mini-life lessons were just flying all around me. Wanna hear ’em?! Of course you.
1. If you go to the movies with a boy and he ends up eating ALL of your Sour Patch Kid–that you specifically wanted to buy yourself so you didn’t have to share–and you find yourself annoyed, he’s not the right dude for you. You should WANT to share your Sour Patch Kids, you know?!
2. I just watched Clueless for the bajillioninth time and just realized it came out in 1995…WHAT?! That’s SO long ago. How is it still so amazing?! How are the clothes still relevant?! How do I STILL know practically every line in that movie?!
3. I call my mom too much. The woman has been out of the country for a week and I’ve reached for my phone to text/call her, like, a million times. It makes me feel like an orphan. So now I just email incessantly. And I’ve tried to call my dad to talk…but he just presses ignore, I think.
4. Don’t get addicted to those San Pellegrino Aranciata orange soda things. I’ve bought two six-packs in the past two days and now I’m kinda poor. Don’t go poor because soda. That’s just silly. Everyone knows if you’re gonna go poor because of anything it should be because of shoes.
5. Sweet potatoes aren’t yams. But yams are sweet potatoes. WHAT?! Good gracious, USDA, do you understand how confusing you’re making me/the entire country?